Just how “practical” is the gospel to everyday life, anyway? I mean, it’s great to know the gospel for those special occasions when I can witness to my unsaved friends and relatives, but does the gospel make any difference in my everyday life?
There’s probably nothing more “everyday” than life in the context of the family. Does the gospel make any practical difference in my life as a follower of Jesus Christ as I live in day-by-day relationship to the other people in my family – as I live in daily relationship with my spouse? Just how connected is the gospel of Jesus Christ to how I live my normal, everyday life as a husband or wife?
My wife, Gladine, and I read a wonderful book together entitled, Love that Lasts: When Marriage Meets Grace by Gary and Betsy Ricucci. The Ricuccis propose:
When we grasp the depth of God=s love for us revealed in the gospel, when we rest in the joy of God=s forgiveness toward us in the gospel, when we experience God=s transforming power in us through the gospel, and when we begin to emulate the pattern of humility and obedience we see in the gospel, what a wonderful difference this will make in our lives and marriages! Nothing is more essential to a marriage, and nothing brings more hope, than applying the gospel of Jesus Christ (page 23, emphasis added).
Curious? Stick with me! Today we want to see 1) the Gospel Purpose of Marriage, 2) the Gospel Power of Marriage and 3) The Gospel Pattern of Marriage.
The Gospel Purpose of Marriage
Have you ever thought of Jesus as a “Husband?” Many people probably haven’t. After all, He was a bachelor, wasn’t He? It’s true that during the 33 years Jesus spent physically on this earth, He never married. Yet, in Ephesians 5:25-33, Paul pictures Jesus as a Husband and the church as His bride. In fact, Paul calls this a “mystery” in verse 32. He says, “This is a profound mystery — but I am talking about Christ and the church.” I’m not sure what comes to your mind when you hear the word “mystery,” but that word was used differently in the Bible than the way it is used in our own day in movies and novels. As British pastor Dr. D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones explained, “But, thank God, the use of the term ‘mystery’ in the New Testament never carries the idea that it is something which cannot be understood at all. ‘Mystery’ means something that is inaccessible to the unaided mind. It doesn’t matter how great that mind may be.”1 “Mystery” doesn’t refer to something that is “unknowable,” but rather to something that will not be known to humans unless God chooses to pull back the curtains and reveal it. New Testament scholar Harold Hoehner has clarified, “A ‘mystery’ is something which was hidden in God and which humans could not unravel by their own ingenuity or study but is revealed by God for all believers to understand.”2
What was not seen in Old Testament times but has now been revealed by God through the Apostle Paul is that Christ is the Husband to His wife, the church. John Piper expounded, “So marriage is like a metaphor or an image or a picture or a parable or a model that stands for something more than a man and a woman becoming one flesh. It stands for the relationship between Christ and the church. That’s the deepest meaning of marriage. It’s meant to be a living drama of how Christ and the church relate to each other.”3
If you consider the implications of this “mystery,” the stakes involved in living as husband and wife just got higher. We must study Christ as the Model Husband to His bride, the church, not only so that we can grow in our own husband and wife roles and have happier marriages, but also so that we can be better “reflectors” of Christ. Each of our marriages, though imperfect, is to be a picture — a living drama — to the watching world of the loving relationship between Christ and the church. In Loving Your Wife as Christ Loves the Church I wrote, “To some degree, what the world thinks of Christ and the church will come from what they see in us” (McCall, 9). They will see how our marriages mirror His relationship with His church as the ultimate marriage prototype. So, devoting ourselves to the study of Christ as the Perfect Husband and the church as His bride should bear fruit not only in our own marriages, but it also should serve to draw people’s attention to Christ. That is the gospel purpose of marriage!
The Gospel Power in Marriage
Why did the Holy Spirit lead the Apostle Paul to command, “Wives, submit to your own husbands” (Ephesians 5:22)? Where is the Christian wife going to get the power – the ability – to submit to her husband’s leadership? I mean, he’s so imperfect! There are so many “what ifs” that can come to the Christian wife’s mind. “What if I think he’s making the wrong decision?” “What if he just won’t lead?” Submitting to the leadership of an imperfect husband can make a woman feel so insecure, so . . . vulnerable.
And, why did the Holy Spirit move upon Paul to direct, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25)? The Holy Spirit could have zeroed in on Christ’s authority as “Head” of the church. That would have been doctrinally legitimate — and may have fed the cravings of power-hungry men! But, He didn’t. He zeroed in on husbands loving their wives in Christlike sacrificial, unconditional, voluntary ways. Where is the husband going to get the power to love His wife in such a way? I mean, she’s so imperfect! There are so many “what ifs” that can come to the Christian husband’s mind. “What if she doesn’t respect me?” “What if she doesn’t love me back?” Loving an imperfect wife can make a husband feel so incompetent, so . . . frustrated.
So, what’s the answer? What difference does the gospel make in the marriage of two imperfect, saved sinners? How can the gospel supply the power to have a Christ-reflecting marriage?
Think of it this way: The gospel empowers a Christian woman to more clearly represent the bride of Christ – the church – as she remembers that her ministry of supporting her husband’s leadership is “as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22). As Paul said in the previous verse, her submission is “out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). The Christian wife recalls that because Jesus Christ lived the perfect life of submission to His heavenly Father, because Jesus Christ died to pay the penalty of her sins and because Jesus Christ rose from the dead as proof that His work on her behalf was satisfactory to the Father, she is now a recipient of God’s amazing grace. This gospel reminds her that she is now a forgiven, much-loved daughter of the High King of heaven. No longer is she an object of God’s holy wrath. God is no longer frowning at her. No, because of Jesus Christ, the Heavenly Father smiles at her 24/7. As His precious, redeemed daughter the Christian wife rests in the “safety” of the gospel and can support her husband’s leadership “as to the Lord.” The gospel gives her the power to represent Christ’s bride in the marriage relationship, even when her husband is “husbanding” in a less than ideal manner.
Similarly, the gospel empowers the Christian husband to more clearly reflect Christ as he loves His wife in a Christlike way. Loving in a Christ-mirroring way goes against the stream of our carnality, requiring us to turn afresh to our Savior for His freely offered grace. And that is just where He wants us — depending on and enjoying His grace as we live every day in the context of our marriages. Gary Ricucci, co-author of Love that Lasts, explains, It comes down to this: we can love and lead our wives because, and only because, Christ first loved us (Galatians 2:20). Our role originates in the gospel, is empowered by the gospel, and is perfect through the gospel. We can love and lead our wives because our Savior, Jesus Christ, loved us, gave himself up for us, and leads us each day in mercy and grace” (emphasis added).
If love were like life-giving water that we husbands are to be giving to our thirsty wives, then where do we get our own “water tanks” filled? Let’s be candid. For many of us, our own spiritual and emotional tanks are running on empty. What do we tend to do when we are told to love our wives while our own tanks are nearly dry? Using our own particular schemes and tactics, we carnally try to pressure or manipulate our wives to pour love into our tanks so that we can feel adequate in dispensing some love back to them. If they do not or cannot meet our demands, we defend our own lack of showing love, doing what we can to shift the blame to the failures of our wives to adequately love us. Sadly, the end result is that both husband and wife run low on love, each failing to pour love into the other’s life in sufficient quantities to have enough love to give back. The bottom line, brothers, is that we cannot and should not depend on our wives to be the primary fillers of our “love tanks.” The gospel power to love our wives is simple, yet profound. “We love [our wives] because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19).
The Gospel Pattern of Marriage
The pattern of 1 John 4:19 (“We love because he first loved us”) can be applied to many other fruits of the gospel as they impact our marriages. Consider these examples:
Because of the gospel, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). I do not need to live in fear of condemnation, defending myself if I detect any real or even imagined criticism from my spouse. I am “safe” from condemnation not because of my own perceived goodness, but because of the sure, unshakeable work of Jesus Christ on my behalf. The pattern of a gospel-centered marriage will be one free of fear-driven or pride-driven defensiveness. Also, my converted spouse is also free from condemnation. If the perfectly holy God no longer condemns my spouse, why would I? The pattern of a gospel-centered marriage is one free from words, attitudes and actions of condemnation painfully shot at one another. Instead, perceived sins in one another’s lives can be graciously dealt with within the “safety” of the gospel without fear of condemnation.
Because of the gospel, I recognize that the greatest problem in my marriage is me and my sinfulness. “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost” (1 Timothy 1:15). Owning this truth as “trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance” leads me to see that my greatest problem in marriage is not my spouse and my feeling that she/he is not meeting “my needs,” it’s my own sinfulness. Believing this shapes my approach to problems in our marriage, leading me to suspect my own heart first as a primary cause of the problem we are facing. “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?” (James 4:1). Owning that my own sin is my primary concern in marriage conflict will lead me to evaluate and seek to extricate the “log” in my own eye before attempting surgery on the speck in my spouse’s eye (Matthew 7:3-5).
Because of the gospel, “we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace” (Ephesians 1:7). The pattern of a gospel-centered marriage is one in which a forgiven husband and a forgiven wife are “kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). “When I find myself walking in the shoes of the worst of sinners, I will make every effort to grant my spouse the same lavish grace that God has granted me” (Harvey, 41). “Forgiven sinners forgive sin” (Harvey, 100), even when granting that forgiveness is costly, leading me to absorb the consequences of my spouse’s sin, even as Christ absorbed the consequences of mine.
Because of the gospel, I have experienced the mercy and kindness of my Savior. “Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?” (Romans 2:4). Now, as a fruit of the Spirit working in my life (Galatians 5:22), I can, in turn, show my spouse Christlike mercy and kindness as well.
Because of the gospel, I have been accepted by Christ. In turn, I can accept my spouse as he/she is, not demanding certain changes to “earn” my acceptance (Romans 15:7).
Because of the gospel, I have experienced the “perfect patience” of Jesus Christ (1 Timothy 1:16). In turn, I can live “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another [my wife/husband] in love” (Ephesians 4:2). “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).
Because of the gospel, Jesus Christ “came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45). In turn, I can serve my spouse using the gifts and resources that God has graciously given to me for that purpose (1 Peter 4:10). And, as a husband, like “the Perfect Husband,” Jesus Christ, in love I can give myself up for my wife (Ephesians 5:25).
Because of the gospel, Christ is positively involved in my sanctification (along with the rest of His bride), “so that he can present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish” (Ephesians 5:27). As a husband, I can positively “disciple” my wife for her good, applying the gospel to her in a way that aims for her spiritual beauty (Ephesians 5:25-26). She also can be an instrument of the Holy Spirit in seeking my sanctification as she encourages my perseverance in the faith (Hebrews 3:12-13, “Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called "today," that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin”) and seeks to humbly restore me to spiritual usefulness when I have fallen into sin (“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted,” Galatians 6:1).
And, because of the gospel, we know that God “loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:10). Knowing and relying on this love that God has for us (1 John4:16), we can love one another as husband and wife. “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19).
Discussion Questions
If we neglect pursing the centrality of the gospel in our marriages, what will tend to fill that void? What “drives” many marriages? What tends to be common suggested solutions for marriage problems, even in evangelical circles?
How can we married people “preach the gospel to ourselves” when we face marriage responsibilities and conflict?
How can we “preach the gospel” to our spouses for their encouragement and progress in sanctification?
How can we “preach the gospel” to the married couples in our churches?
Recommended resources on Gospel-Centered Marriages:
When Sinners Say “I Do” by Dave Harvey
Love that Lasts by Gary and Betsy Ricucci
Loving Your Wife as Christ Loves the Church by Larry E. McCall
Each for the Other by Bryan and Kathy Chapell
1. D. M. Lloyd-Jones, Life in the Spirit: An Exposition of Ephesians 5:18 to 6:9 (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Book House, 1973), 184.
2. Harold W. Hoehner, Ephesians: An Exegetical Commentary (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Academic, 2002), 775-776.
3. John Piper, Lionhearted and Lamblike: The Christian Husband as Head, Part 1, Ephesians 5:21-5:33, a sermon preached at Bethlehem Baptist Church of Minneapolis, MN, March 2007.